I loved this book. I’ve been an avid, voyeuristic fan of Patti Stanger’s show “Millionaire Matchmaker” on Bravo, so I picked up her book with the same kind of dirty fascination with Patti’s blunt, female-Howard-Stern harshness along the lines of “if you want a man lose the weight and dye your hair blond now!”
I was wrong. Pattie Stanger evidently loves love, and it’s easy to tell how much she loves helping people find it. Surprisingly, her book is written for real (note: heterosexual) women, not the bimbo-esque chicks she recruits in LA for her millionaire clients.
– All women, every single one of them, become chemically attached to any man they sleep with. Save yourself heartache. Don’t sleep with anyone who isn’t right for you (see next bullet) and who isn’t committed to you – i.e. he clearly states he’s only sleeping with you. This isn’t about maintaining some veneer of purity or mystery. This is for you to buy the time you need to evaluate your partner before you get chemically attached. It’s about mental clarity and giving men the chance to show their chops (or lack thereof).
– Who is right for you? Patti lays out several list-writing exercises that – truly – help you reduce down your wants/desires in a mate (at least 40 total, listed by category such as “physical”, “intellectual”, etc.) to five non-negotiable traits. “Chemistry” isn’t allowed as an item on your non-negotiable list because if you don’t have that the rest is a waste of time and effort. I usually skip these types of list-making prescriptions, but this particular method yielded a very, very surprising list of non-negotiables for me. I highly recommend you actually get pen and paper and do this.
– Relationships go through easy-to-recognize steps, and they each have a purpose. With that said, if after six months of monogamy (and happy times learning each others’ quirks) you aren’t clearly on your way to marriage you need to push for a proposal. She gives funny, smart tips on doing this. If you’re too uncomfortable to try these tactics, you’re probably not comfortable in your relationship. Definitely a good gut check! If the proposal pitch ideas she recommends don’t work, you need to move on. NOTE: this book is for women who want to get married. If you object to marriage as a goal you need not read this book!
– Let men be themselves and always, always follow the golden rule. As a career trust-issue girl (my own father left my mother for another woman when I was thirteen), this was a real light bulb moment. I’ve read a ton of self help books on finding love, so don’t get me wrong: I know you’re supposed to love yourself first, blah blah blah. The way Patti conveyed this (throughout the book) was so refreshing: you, yeah YOU, aren’t perfect either. Be empathetic as much as you can. Men are different, but they have real feelings and sensitivities. It’s a great woman who lets them be themselves and simply chooses not to date the ones she doesn’t like (or love).
– Of course, great girlfriends and wives can always provide a little help in the style department to her man. Don’t over-judge on looks and clothes.
– Help others find mates, and you will help yourself. Take the time to introduce your unwanteds or relatives to women who might want them. As Patti puts it – it’s a mitvah to be a matchmaker.
– Best advice tidbit: don’t sleep with your ex. You become re-attached to someone who isn’t right for you and you have to start all over again (it’s like quitting smoking: not one puff ever!)
– The book really doesn’t say anything wildly new – it’s just all said in a fresh, pragmatic way (which from my perspective is a major upside).
Have you read “Be Your Own Matchmaker”? What did you think?